I have always strived to be a calm parent, even before I had kids. The kind of mother that doesn’t jump up in reaction to a seemingly small, skinned knee. A mother who is not reactionary, but is responsive. I’ve read books about it that probably engrained this into my personality even more than it already was (this one and this one are two of my absolute favorite).

From these books, and my little experience, I am always observing out of the corner of my eye when my kids are exploring. But I give them their space to make their own decisions and take their own risks. If they have a short fall that I can tell they are not seriously hurt, I watch in my peripheral vision how they react. I check to see: what are they going do, how do they feel about this. But I do not give them eye contact and I try to keep my expression as neutral as possible. Wait why? Because once they see me watching and read my face, it allows them to think “Mom is really focused in on me, this means it’s a really big deal so I’m gonna cry about it”. If it does hurt and is a big deal, they are going to cry no matter if I am looking at them or not. But most of the time, I see them look right at me, I give them no reaction, and they stand back up and continue playing.

I open the package and even before I take off the vacuum-sealed bag, I can tell that this second puppy will never pass as the real stuffed Roczen. As a type-A planner, I buy a back-up before I even need it, for the potential dreadful day that he might get lost. But more so, I relish the day I will get to gift her this new fluffy puppy when she has her first baby of her own.

I place them side by side and it is quite humorous. OG Roczen’s hair is completely matted and the white fur is more of a gray brown. The beard hair is supposed to be fluffy but it has no softness to it at all. His eyes are scraped badly and there is a tiny bundle of hairs on the side of one cheek that are permanently straight. I catch Hazel twirling this tiny spot between her two fingers anytime she is holding him during a calm moment. He is her comfort and companion. They are ride-and-die friends in car rides and playgrounds and everything in-between. And until just recently, it was the end of the world when he needed a “bath” in the washer. Today though, she came running down the stairs dramatically lamented about the chocolate she had gotten on Roczen just a few seconds ago and how he desperately needed a bath right away. Which is how I am even holding him, next to his much younger and cleaner twin, since Roczen is always always by her side at night.

I store the new puppy in a container for future keeping and place little Roczen at the foot of her door. A happy delightful surprise when she wakes up. But let’s be honest, even if I didn’t do that, it would be the first thing she would ask for in the morning: Puppy Roczen.